“At a recent toddler birthday party, another parent commented on how confident my son was and how well he played with the other children. “He’s so kind to the little babies, she exclaimed, quickly followed by ‘are you going to try for another one?”
Well intentioned I’m sure, but to someone who just had, a week prior, another failed embryo transfer, it hit me hard. My reply, one that I’ve honed over years of infertility and in answer to many probing questions was, “unfortunately we can’t conceive naturally but we’re hopeful one day that we might be able to”.
Kind but truthful and most importantly to me – positive.

I’ve always been plagued, like so many, by *those questions* when it comes to having children. It took myself and my husband three very long and trying years with many rounds of treatment to conceive my son – a total privilege and something I don’t take for granted. But we weren’t one and done by choice. Like so many women and men, secondary infertility, less talked about but equally as commonplace (it affects 1 in 7), had caught us in a chokehold.”

“As for my next chapter – I’m about to embark on another embryo transfer but I’m also finding peace in envisioning what the future would look like for us as a triangle family. And to be honest, it’s looking pretty darn good.”

The Effort

Thanks for driving miles to our house, not mentioning the mess or smell, always bringing cake, and washing up your own cup.

The Memes

Thanks for communicating with us via memes and not being pissed that we haven’t messaged you back in weeks.

The Lies

Thanks for saying we looked nice when we were wearing a sick-covered sack and hadn’t brushed our hair.

The Empathy

Thanks for not complaining that we never ask how you are when you call.

The Inclusivity

Thanks for always inviting us, even though we never actually come. And on the rare occasions we do – not being mad if we leave by 9pm.

The Validation

Thanks for letting us blabber on about our kids for the duration of dinner and then messaging to say you “had the best time!”.

The Understanding

Thanks for letting us be MIA. Under the dark circles and our milk-stained clothing, we’re still in there and promise we’ll be back.

Not Knowing What The F* To Do

Repeat after us: I WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO. Yep, even if the total sum of your parenting experience thus far was holding your mates’ baby while she went for a wee, or 15 minutes of hide and seek with a mildly bearable four-year-old one Christmas. How will you know when to feed them? What if they are too hot/cold? What if you’re so knackered that you don’t hear them cry in the night? Right now the fact you’ll be allowed to leave the hospital with a tiny human and no previous experience makes zero sense… but trust us when we talk about instinct. Nobody knows your baby better than you do, and you’ll be an amazing mum.

Keeping Your House Clean

For the first two weeks your house will feel like Euston Station; a constant stream of family and friends all wanting to meet your brand-new bundle of joy and hear you tell birth story for the seventh time that morning. Lovely yes, but also really annoying, especially when you’re knackered and learning how to breastfeed. When you finally get five minutes to yourself spend it showering, sleeping or going to the toilet in peace. Not hoovering, not washing-up, and not putting the bins out. Oh, and send your dirty clothes to your mother-in-law.

Not Reading Enough Baby Books

Spoiler alert: your baby can’t read, so they don’t have a clue that Gina Ford says they should be sleeping 7pm-7am by 12 weeks old. Nor did they get the memo about being ‘happy’ or ‘contented’. Throw the book in the bin. We mean it.

Other People’s Opinions

Everyone has one and they won’t hold back, from your well-meaning mum to the old lady in Boots who tells you she doesn’t like the name. The health visitor hates the Sleepyhead, your auntie thinks babies sleep better on their fronts, someone at Baby Sensory doesn’t do dummies; people will be desperate to share what they’d do differently. Save yourself some time and ignore all unsolicited advice. Just smile, nod, and do whatever you think is best.

How You Should Feed Your Baby

This is a biggie. Nothing divides opinion more than breast Vs bottle, and nothing causes more mum-guilt, heartache or emotional strain. Your baby needs feeding, and as long as you’re not taking them to McDonalds for a happy meal at two weeks old, just how you do that is your decision and yours alone. Make your choice and feel good about it. You’re doing great.

Losing the Baby Weight

For us, the most effective way of getting past a post-partum body wobble is always this: whenever you feel a negative thought about your bod, pick up your baby. Look at their nose, their tiny hands and feet, their beautiful long eyelashes. You made those. Your body grew them from scratch. Nothing could be more amazing so eat the cake and give yourself a break.

Hitting Milestones

All babies are different and while it’s good to have a rough idea of where they should be, your baby doesn’t know they should be sitting up at six months. They’ll do it when they’re good and ready, so try not to compare to other kids or waste time worrying about why they aren’t walking yet. It’ll come.

Making Friends

Parenting is an amazing leveller; you’ll never struggle to start a conversation again. Find your tribe, whether that’s at NCT, a TMC event or even online. Even having one other mum to text during the 3am feed is a huge help… and if you’re really stuck, there are apps that can hook you up with someone to do exactly that.

Losing Who You Are

Becoming a parent changes your life; drastically at first. But after a while you’ll reach a new normal and find that you’re still you. With a bit of planning, you can party again, go to the gym, or wander around the shops for two hours without a pram. Your ambition’s still there and your career too; you can still feel attractive and be a good friend. Take the time to take care of yourself and you’ll be a better parent because of it, we promise.

Changing the Nappy Immediately

Now there’s a blue line that doesn’t have to change everything. Completely unnecessary. Unless it’s a poo.

Is it normal to feel low after birth?

“Yes!”, says Ross, “When I see people that feel post-natally down, it is often linked to blood deficiency and exhaustion, which most mums have. Interestingly if you look up the symptoms for anaemia, they are pretty much the same as depression. One of the biggest causes of post-natal depression is that women are generally anaemic”. He adds, “Quite often in the period after birth, you don’t feel like you’re residing in yourself, you just go on autopilot, and a part of this comes from a primal instinct, and for the rest of it, you’re just bumbling along and making it up as you go along”.

Can tiredness make me feel more emotional?

“Absolutely”, says Ross, “Tiredness causes the body to run on adrenaline. You’re overtly risk accessing, and you’re running on reserve power. Of course, it will affect your emotions. It can also cause you to catastrophise and create ‘what ifs?’, that’s what adrenaline does for us”.

Can my baby feel my emotions?

“If your internal state is not at peace, sooner or later, your children’s internal state can be affected by it. They can pick up on your emotions, and even if you think you’re creating a great veil over it, your kids can pick up on it”, says Ross.

Do all women feel low after birth?

Ross says, “I would say there’s definitely a trend with the women I see, and it’s a combination of depletion, blood loss and shock. When you get depleted, you feel like a weaker version of yourself, and you’re more vulnerable. It’s important to nourish the mum and to fortify her. I see mums that have been bleeding for 6 weeks, and they wonder why they’re exhausted. But of course, you would be”.

What is a post-natal psychological MOT?

“A post-natal psychological MOT can help the body to rebalance and reset itself, as well as relieving stress and anxiety post-birth. Using acupuncture, we treat the shock, and often blood loss, of labour, by pinpointing areas that would benefit from stimulation or need calming”, says Ross. He adds, “There are particular points in acupuncture that are aimed to treat shock and trauma. It is not a luxury that’s reserved for celebrities. This is an essential treatment that anyone can access”.

What can you expect from a post-natal psychological MOT?

Approx. 45 minutes of necessary YOU time, where you lie down on a comfy bed, and the acupuncturist treats your mental and physical state. • “First, we check your pulse points, which lasts for around 5-10 minutes. This is a key factor for achieving a good diagnosis, as it enables you to see what’s going on internally”, says Ross. • Next, the acupuncturist selects points based on any symptoms that the client reports combined with the analysis of your pulses. • The painless needles are placed in for roughly 10-20mins. Some will be in for longer than others. Ross says, “Often a mum will come in, and if we do it right, then her tired, ashy complexion will change from start to finish. Usually, you will leave feeling brighter but looking it too!”

When should I have it?

“I usually encourage mums to come in two weeks after they’ve given birth”, says Ross. “By then the newborn bubble has gone, hormones have levelled, and adrenaline falls away, and we can generally start to see how deficient someone is and the areas that need focussing on”.

Why would I need one?

The aftercare UK mums receive post-birth is next to nothing. “There’s a lovely saying in Chinese medicine that the best way to stop a crying baby is to treat the mother, and that is the basis for a lot of what we try and do. We initiate the mother to focus on herself more, this is for the benefit of her baby. It’s not a selfish act, it’s a necessary one”, says Ross.

How many treatments do I need?

“The first treatment can be the most life-changing”, says Ross. “But you could allow for 2-5 treatments. The more experienced the practitioner is, the more likely they will be able to get their diagnosis right the first time, but that being said, most acupuncturists are so well trained they should be able to diagnose what needs to be treated in your first or second appointment”.

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