“At a recent toddler birthday party, another parent commented on how confident my son was and how well he played with the other children. “He’s so kind to the little babies, she exclaimed, quickly followed by ‘are you going to try for another one?”
Well intentioned I’m sure, but to someone who just had, a week prior, another failed embryo transfer, it hit me hard. My reply, one that I’ve honed over years of infertility and in answer to many probing questions was, “unfortunately we can’t conceive naturally but we’re hopeful one day that we might be able to”.
Kind but truthful and most importantly to me – positive.

I’ve always been plagued, like so many, by *those questions* when it comes to having children. It took myself and my husband three very long and trying years with many rounds of treatment to conceive my son – a total privilege and something I don’t take for granted. But we weren’t one and done by choice. Like so many women and men, secondary infertility, less talked about but equally as commonplace (it affects 1 in 7), had caught us in a chokehold.”

“As for my next chapter – I’m about to embark on another embryo transfer but I’m also finding peace in envisioning what the future would look like for us as a triangle family. And to be honest, it’s looking pretty darn good.”

The Effort

Thanks for driving miles to our house, not mentioning the mess or smell, always bringing cake, and washing up your own cup.

The Memes

Thanks for communicating with us via memes and not being pissed that we haven’t messaged you back in weeks.

The Lies

Thanks for saying we looked nice when we were wearing a sick-covered sack and hadn’t brushed our hair.

The Empathy

Thanks for not complaining that we never ask how you are when you call.

The Inclusivity

Thanks for always inviting us, even though we never actually come. And on the rare occasions we do – not being mad if we leave by 9pm.

The Validation

Thanks for letting us blabber on about our kids for the duration of dinner and then messaging to say you “had the best time!”.

The Understanding

Thanks for letting us be MIA. Under the dark circles and our milk-stained clothing, we’re still in there and promise we’ll be back.

Not Knowing What The F* To Do

Repeat after us: I WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO. Yep, even if the total sum of your parenting experience thus far was holding your mates’ baby while she went for a wee, or 15 minutes of hide and seek with a mildly bearable four-year-old one Christmas. How will you know when to feed them? What if they are too hot/cold? What if you’re so knackered that you don’t hear them cry in the night? Right now the fact you’ll be allowed to leave the hospital with a tiny human and no previous experience makes zero sense… but trust us when we talk about instinct. Nobody knows your baby better than you do, and you’ll be an amazing mum.

Keeping Your House Clean

For the first two weeks your house will feel like Euston Station; a constant stream of family and friends all wanting to meet your brand-new bundle of joy and hear you tell birth story for the seventh time that morning. Lovely yes, but also really annoying, especially when you’re knackered and learning how to breastfeed. When you finally get five minutes to yourself spend it showering, sleeping or going to the toilet in peace. Not hoovering, not washing-up, and not putting the bins out. Oh, and send your dirty clothes to your mother-in-law.

Not Reading Enough Baby Books

Spoiler alert: your baby can’t read, so they don’t have a clue that Gina Ford says they should be sleeping 7pm-7am by 12 weeks old. Nor did they get the memo about being ‘happy’ or ‘contented’. Throw the book in the bin. We mean it.

Other People’s Opinions

Everyone has one and they won’t hold back, from your well-meaning mum to the old lady in Boots who tells you she doesn’t like the name. The health visitor hates the Sleepyhead, your auntie thinks babies sleep better on their fronts, someone at Baby Sensory doesn’t do dummies; people will be desperate to share what they’d do differently. Save yourself some time and ignore all unsolicited advice. Just smile, nod, and do whatever you think is best.

How You Should Feed Your Baby

This is a biggie. Nothing divides opinion more than breast Vs bottle, and nothing causes more mum-guilt, heartache or emotional strain. Your baby needs feeding, and as long as you’re not taking them to McDonalds for a happy meal at two weeks old, just how you do that is your decision and yours alone. Make your choice and feel good about it. You’re doing great.

Losing the Baby Weight

For us, the most effective way of getting past a post-partum body wobble is always this: whenever you feel a negative thought about your bod, pick up your baby. Look at their nose, their tiny hands and feet, their beautiful long eyelashes. You made those. Your body grew them from scratch. Nothing could be more amazing so eat the cake and give yourself a break.

Hitting Milestones

All babies are different and while it’s good to have a rough idea of where they should be, your baby doesn’t know they should be sitting up at six months. They’ll do it when they’re good and ready, so try not to compare to other kids or waste time worrying about why they aren’t walking yet. It’ll come.

Making Friends

Parenting is an amazing leveller; you’ll never struggle to start a conversation again. Find your tribe, whether that’s at NCT, a TMC event or even online. Even having one other mum to text during the 3am feed is a huge help… and if you’re really stuck, there are apps that can hook you up with someone to do exactly that.

Losing Who You Are

Becoming a parent changes your life; drastically at first. But after a while you’ll reach a new normal and find that you’re still you. With a bit of planning, you can party again, go to the gym, or wander around the shops for two hours without a pram. Your ambition’s still there and your career too; you can still feel attractive and be a good friend. Take the time to take care of yourself and you’ll be a better parent because of it, we promise.

Changing the Nappy Immediately

Now there’s a blue line that doesn’t have to change everything. Completely unnecessary. Unless it’s a poo.